any which way

small things make all the difference in enjoying stuff. a perfect flat white (stop asking me what size Starbux. there can be only one*) and a ginger molasses cookie. how can these small simple pleasures incur such a huge release of endorphins? I asked on fb what people do when they want to get out and don't have anything specific planned. I got lots of lovely answers, the one I think I may have follow is hit a coffee shop. I'm so used to getting the coffee, drinking the coffee getting the fuck out. you know except on saturdays with my ladies. when I have no problem sitting, enjoying, taking my time. I find it harder to do on my own. like I'm taking up space that someone else might want. like I"m overstaying my welcome. while actually taking up less space alone. it's never to late to have epiphanies. like the one I had about white sauce. red sauce is significantly lower in calories and I had internalised this for my whole life. watch out for those extra cream calories. be careful you might enjoy something too much. I'm tired of watching other people enjoying what I want. I'm tired of worrying about taking up space. I'm tired a lot. I think I'm going to try to make this year the year I figure out how to be me without worrying about anything except BEING ME.

*Highlander reference FTW

she's so goddamn cold

going out never used to be a big deal. I used to do it all the time. anytime of the day. day/night whatever. now I have found that I'm not a huge night energy person. I wish there were dance parties in the afternoon. when I wrote that on fb my MIL told me that in the retirement house that her mum lives in (Chris' gran) they have them all the time. well fucking sign me up! I'm pretty sure they wouldn't like say Queens of the Stone Age* but that'll change when we get to that place right?? going out at night involves wearing pants of some kind and well.. I'm not sure much is worthy of that. I'd love to be proven wrong, maybe this has to do with not really drinking at all anymore? hangovers KILL me now. the last time I over imbibed (about 5 or 6 years ago maybe?) it took DAAAAAYS to feel better. I can't imagine that would be improved with time. so for now it looks like the party has stopped, at least for now.

* see what I did there?

merrymaking at my place

so pickles has this kinda gross thing going on with his coat. it's not *totally* grody, but he gets these little spots on his back near his tail. the good thing is I've figured out how to treat it. it's just this special shampoo. it's like 28$ a bottle but whatcha gon' do?* the thing is, it has to stay on him for like 10 minutes to work. that is a REALLY long time to have him in the kitchen sink (where I usually bathe the dogs) staring and trying to shake the stuff off. so I've solved the problem by letting him shower with me. I start out by getting him all lathered up and by the time I'm done I just rinse him off and VOILA!


but it is awkward as hell while we are both in there. sigh.  

*immortal words of Chris Rock

I'm up all night to get lucky

making a new playlist is always a bit of a chore. at least on my computer. it's not the picking of songs, it's getting my asshole 'puter to recognise my phone so I can sync it. feh. I usually make one list at the beginning of the year and add and subtract to it until the year is over. I've been doing this since 2010. 5 years. and some songs I put on it EVERY TIME?

I only eat candy -Nerf Herder
white lines -Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel
lit up -Buckcherry
fuck shit up -Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
don't stop me now -Queen
what I got -Sublime

new song I am currently in love with is Bruno Mars Uptown Funk. oh MY!

tell me about your musical loves. or even just what you're digging right now. I"m in dire need of new stuff. do help a sister out...

Gamma Ray

my husband, who is normally a super caring, lovely guy did the shittiest thing ever. he went out and got a cold AND GAVE IT TO ME. clearly I couldn't have gotten it, what with not going out anywhere. the timing was pretty good though. it was at the end of the hols. so we didn't spend 2 weeks sneezing at each other. so that's a thing right? actually the holidays were pretty awesome. got to spend the day of our lord and saviors (or as we call it THURSDAY) birth with the kid and his super lovely girlfriend. I haven't had that nice of a day for a long time. and my Moms sausage* stuffing recipe was well represented (and EATEN YO) and we even ate at a table. I'd say like grown ups but nah. it was a card table covered with one of my scarves. gotta stay true.

our dogs are special.









*even though I had to use different sausage than normal due to "quality issues at the plant (E-COLI)" as tactfully told to me by the nice Safeway meat lady. PHEW BULLET DODGED.

don't stop me now

I went out yesterday. which is harder than it sounds when you don't really have anywhere to go. I took an art class last semester, and I loved it. but you know there really isn't anything out there for us stay at homes. like class wise. unless I really want to go back to school, which I don't. I don't want to have to ... ugh study. everything I want to do is geared to evenings and weekends. which I already have covered thanks. Dragon Age Inquisition ain't gonna play itself you know. seriously, I am bereft of learning experiences. if anyone has any ideas BRING IT.

in other news, pickles has been able to get up on the couch by himself for the last little while which has improved his quality of life immeasurably. baby steps baby girl, baby steps.

tainted love

weaksauce is better than no sauce right?

 this year is 12 days old. I've still not resolution-ed, or even found a class to take. I've been stalled and sick and silly. I'm frozen in a fat little heap of indecision and want. my car is working fine but I still don't go out. my eye has had a twitch for 2 solid days and I feel like it may be a metaphor for this coming prime number year for me. I'm flailing but not that hard. huh. this really should go in my blog but it's been idle so long I'm scared I'll wake it up.



 WAKE UP ASSHOLE. YOUR LIFE AIN'T GONNA WAIT FOR YOU LIKE A TAXI. GET GOING.

please be gentle with this heart of mine........

So I am a stay at home um... not mom anymore. Stay at home dog mom? Stay at home lady of leisure? Housewife? Unemployed by choice? Lucky and blessed I know but still searching for a way to describe who I am without being glib. Or maybe I should be all fuck it! Glib is the new black. I am a dying species I feel like though. My lovely nexty (our next door neighbour who is awesome) works from home. I have pals who have little kids who are SAHMs but only know one other woman who is in a position like me and we aren't super close (but if  you are reading this Hi!!! Come over for tea some time soon!) and she does lots of lovely traveling while I pretty much stay at home.

I have found that since the "pain"* (as a friend calls it) kicked me in the teeth, I don't have the gumption to go out like I used to. I don't have the energy or the desire to socialise like I used to. I don't want to go out much at night like I used to. I don't drink or party like I used to. I'm not who I used to be. It's a paradigm shift in my core.

World English Dictionary

paradigm shift
— n
	a radical change in underlying beliefs or theory
[C20: coined by T.S. Kuhn (1922--96), US philosopher of science]

I do have a my BFF's who I see every Saturday (except when we are traveling or something world shaking intervenes) who keep me sane. I have people I connect with on the internets, and of course my gorgeous husband who I love pretty much every minute with. But I am a STAY AT HOME.

why did you drop that bomb on me?

We jetted off to lotus-land to see a show a few weeks ago. Wow that sentence made me feel very posh indeed. The show was Defranco Does Vancouver. We were probably* the oldest ones there, but the laughs, oh the laughs.. my face HURT after. Watching this YouTube stuff makes me think of when I first saw Much Music. You know when it actually played music videos. Like it was the beginning of something really big. Something that was going to be a game changer. Since we cut the cable cord 18+ months ago we watch the stuff on the net for everything. One day people will laugh at the idea of paying for cable, for news, for information. Beyond paying for net access that is.

Been doing some different kinds of stitching. Gotta keep those devils tools busy, no Idle Hands here.

Tried out a new hair colour last week.. liked it. First time EVER in over 30 years of colouring that I went green. Pretty and soft. Maybe blue next.

It feels like spring might be finally waking up. This winter was hard. Too much snow, cold, and winter. Blech. At least it was sunny and bright. That seems to stave off the most of the worst of the blues. I'm reducing one of my meds in the hopes that it will help with the sweating that is usually reserved for menopausal ladies. Like a dog shitting razor blades my Dad would say. Also the more than slight oops I had with the clippers the other day may help too. (almost) bald is beautiful right? 

I dreamed I was in Paris last night. Trying to get to London via the Chunnel. I really am amazed at what we as humans can achieve when we want to. 

*besides the random parents who brought their kids. le sigh.

My heart beats so, it scares me to death....

I can't believe I have ignored you for so long. This year seems to have dripped by in a swirl of non things. I did almost make it a whole calendar year with a death, but nope. One of my oldest friends didn't make it out the year. A fallen brother in arms, gone too young. A reminder of that black dog, and a call to shore up the walls. I'll miss you dear Jeff, your quiet sweet soul that hurt too often. And another dear friend lost one of her kitties last night. Sadness taints so much happiness. We worried for our Pickle dog all this winter, he is afflicted with newly found arthritis (or arfritits!) and a slowdown that comes with age. Despite what our vet said we have found that baby aspirin is helping the most.

As for me, oh fuck, about me. I am the fattest I have ever been. With no real noticeable diet change (aside form some holiday noshings) I have plumped up. I used the scale yesterday and all it made me do was think about the Smash the Scale project. And maybe cry a little bit. I have better clothes, better fashion (ha!) sense and a better handle on things than when I was thin. But I struggle. All awake/aware women do. I tell myself this in fits and starts.

New Years Resolutions? Stretch more. Yup. I do hope you all had a happy whatever it is you celebrate. And that Shiva the god of death stays the fuck away for another year. xxoo

And now the sun's about to fade away

The has been a profound shift in some of my thinking lately. Not just about the ability to wear leggings un-ironically anymore. About outside. I KNOW RIGHT? We have been planning halfheartedly to do something with the prison yard* and this year we finally bit the bullet and found someone to build us a deck. And a new set of stairs. Ok, it was the stairs we really needed as our neighbour (whose back yard looks like a magical fairyland of awesome-but she did tell me yesterday that weeding that thing was "fucking awful") rebuilt hers last year and since they are attached. Well.. glargh. Also Lily dog can go down them without her back legs touching a single one they are so steep. And squishy. In a really bad way.

It's supposed to happen this week y'all. A DECK. At least it faces North so the dreaded yellow face won't be around too much. And now we have to outfit the fucker! It's gonna be bigger than my bloody bedroom. Which is not in fact, bloody. But holy shit outside furniture is expensive! And I can't find a swing that I like yet. Oh the trials of too much right?

Today is supposed to be 34 degrees (which is only 93 for you in the great SOUTH OF ME) and I am already sweating like a whore in church (miss you Dad) and I have an ingrown hair in my armpit, and I can't imagine being anymore uncomfortable (hi weight gain! fuck you!) but I'm sure I'll manage to feel it before the day is out. But not outside. At least not yet.












*the back yard. which is fenced with chain link and is barren of all goodness.

I walk the line

Lately I have been talking the talk. Out loud, to other people even. I have been buying clothes that fit and flatter. I have been posting body positive images and articles on my facebook. I have been taking back the words fat, chubby, chunky. I have been scolding my husband when he has moments of body image bullshit. Great right?

Until today. I busted out the scale and weighed myself and saw that all the weight I had lost, every single pound is back. I think I had held on to that last 5 pound ideal and it was allowing me to be OK with what I was. And that is fat. I worked so fucking hard to lose that weight. It was in a time when everything else was spinning out of control, and I was victorious in this one aspect of control. I looked amazing. Everyone said so. Then when things got easier, I eased up. I was getting scary skinny (even now the idea of that thrills me!) and had been told. So I let in some ice cream. My personal kyrptonite. And I evened out. For a few years I held on in this wonderful mid-weight status. Yet never feeling super comfortable.

Then the pain began. I really should preface this by saying I've always had back pain. And hip pain. And other pains, but for a while there, back when things were rotten I self medicated with a heaping helping of THC. In fact, I'd probably still indulge if it didn't give me the all-mightiest case of anxiety and paranoia. All good things must come to an end. So, when that happened, we after years of tests/chiro/physio/everything else, determined that I had the PAIN. Or fibromyalgia. Whatever. But it meant taking drugs that caused weight gain. And I'm embarrassed to admit I held out for months because of this. But in the end common sense, and overwhelming pain won out and here I am. It wasn't an easy road to walk, we had to tweak, change and mess around with the what feels like the giant handful of drugs I take everyday, and when we did I'd gain some weight. My Dr and I have have a pretty great relationship, he listens to me. And sometimes we conspire to see if I can lessen  any of the drugs I take. Then I gain weight. Then I gain weight.

I am straight up not gonna lie and be all, no I only eat fallen fruits and unicorn dreams. But I haven't significantly changed my diet except to eat more fruit (because I read on weight watchers you can eat all the fruit you want. FUCKING RIGHT?) and I eat more rice now. But it has been the same as the last few years.  I have been slowing down because PAIN. And I was ok with that. Until today when that scale was all..... HAI FATTY. The talk I've been talking doesn't feel like the walk I've been walking. I'm all BODY POSITIVE! ACCEPTANCE!! but I feel like a failure, cause my mouth has been writing cheques my ass can't cash.

licorice rainbows ain't always fallin' at my feet......

As part of my ever expanding list of hobbies/shit I like to do, I am trying my hand at some new to me stuff.

 It's pretty gratifying to pop out a finished product in an afternoon.

Of course I do need to mount them, and deciding on that is fairly tough, hence all the loose bits of paper all over the house.


I can almost feel spring on it's way. Despite the giant piles of snow that come and go, and the enormous amounts of little doggy foot prints that dot my white kitchen floor (again I ask, WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?) I can almost see the spring. We've kept our red Christmas lights up on our front window, and while I do love them, I think I need to pull them down and get something lighter up there. Oops, I just remembered, we bought new windows this weekend. And while they won't be in for 4-6 weeks, I reckon the lights should still come down and make way for a brighter room. Also: I won't be doing any window washing. Why bother?

Maybe next year .... maybe no go

How I love finding old music to revitalise my playlist (right now named kittykatboogie, fuck I have got to re-name that) when it gets stale. The whole Duran Duran catalog? Brings back memories of goofy dances and head movements not done since I was in gr 10. Muscle memory is pretty amazing isn't it? I'm trying to learn the concertina, and have learned 4 whole songs (terribly) that include such crowd favourites as Frere' Jacques. Don't expect my greatest hits just yet.

 Being alone is something I've been dealing with for sometime now. It's not usual for me to spend so much time by myself, Chris and I are constant companions. I know how lucky I am. I actually really enjoy my own company (and the dogs of course, they make me less crazy when I'm talking to them not myself right??) and have a myriad of ways to entertain myself. I love the thrill of new hobbies, the newness not rubbed off by familiarity. I have some new things I'm trying out (besides the concertina) to see what sticks. I do love my fibre stuff, but am having some RSI issues. Exacerbated by my gaming habit. I mean who the fuck gets video game elbow? Me. le sigh.

I've discovered I love reading crafty blogs, I have even got a little book beside the compy to write down the stuff I want to copy/imitate/rip off so I don't forget them. It's even more awesome when I remember actually to use it

I'm having some fibro shit lately, and some things my sweet seeester in law calls "stinkin' thinkin'" are creeping around my mind-head-brain. I'm doing my best to kick them to the curb and an infusion of 80's tunes is a good non-medicinal way to start. Blargh I am tired of this whiny bullshit.

This year I am intending to keep my hair one colour for the whole year (not done since I was maybe 13 or 14 SO LIKE 30 YEARS OMG OLD) so I have wisely chosen pink. It's fucking amazing how many people feel the need to comment on it. Little old ladies LOVE it. Like I had a rinse accident. People who I never would have thought, come right up to me to tell me how much they like it. Never a bad thing to get strokes from strangers. DIRTY. Also, I'm trying to keep a gratitude journal beside my bed. Every night I force myself to write something that I am thankful for/is awesome/why my first world problems are so truly minimal in the grand scheme of things. Some nights are much harder than others to actually find something. I need some re-assessment skills stat. :/

Happy Valentines Day to everyone who reads this. Remember that you are loved, you are beautiful and you are amazing. You really are.

Drinking white wine in the sun.......

This is my first Christmas with no parents. A true Christmas orphan. I've not been big on Christmas for a while now. I have my reasons, I really do. This year feels different. Lonelier. I have no Mum or Dad to brainstorm the perfect gift for. So I keep buying stuff to keep that feeling at bay. Like I can buy my way through this season into the new year. Which I imagine will be all bright and shiny and full of happy, even though I know it will look just like the day before.

Don't get me wrong, I have my tiny family here, to keep me full of cheer. Hey! That rhymed! And I have an invite to see all my other huge family that I don't know at all, who would be really happy to see me, which is weird, but I think is cool. I'm so blue though, I don't want to infect anyone else with that colour. It seems terribly contagious, so I back out of things I should be moving forward into. Time moves by so quickly yet drags on into minutes.

I miss my Dad. I miss my Mum. I miss Max. But time will march on, and even though it's hard to see this keyboard that has suddenly gone all watery and blurry, I know I will feel better eventually. My Husband and Son will help with that. But right now I feel like a little kid.

I'll do it my way

10 rules helpful suggestions for living the good life.

1. Don't hold grudges. If it's about something you can't resolve you can either let IT go, or let the relationship go. Nothing is worse than letting jerks live rent free in your head.
2. Travel. Even if it is in your own backyard. Go somewhere new. try some food you haven't tried. Go be a tourist unashamedly.
3. Say yes to opportunity. It's easier to say no to things that are slightly (or hugely) new and a little scary.
4. Say no to things that make you unhappy. Don't make lame excuses, just politely but firmly decline.
5. Walk somewhere. Go look at trees and flowers or even other people at least once in a while. 
6. Do something nice for someone else. Hold a door, buy some flowers, pay for the guy behind you in lines coffee. 
7. Have a pet. Even a fish or plant Talk to them. Give some love, get some love. 
8. Have a hobby. Collect stamps, knit, do Sudoku, do something you enjoy every day.
9. Make something by hand. Doesn't matter how small, make it with your own digits. 
10. Walk around with a smile on your face. A positive outlook becomes a habit when you do this. Try not to look too deranged. A small Buddhist half smile is a good start.  

 BONUS SUGGESTION
          Fake it until you make it.

These are of course only as helpful as you want them to be. Your mileage may vary.

I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm gonna be OK.

I don't make New Year Resolutions. Never have, don't think ever will. BUT: this year I did do something rather out of character for me. I made a plan. A plan to become 10% more awesome by next year. Now that seems pretty loosey goosey right? Well tough tits, it is. I'm going to try to start a list of things I have done to try to achieve that rather gossamer pledge. And since I am stupid enough to forget to do this from the beginning of the year, this will be in no particular order and will encompass mine and everybody else recollections of it. 



-took candy to a pal who needed it. Really needed it. Dumb right? I doubt I would have done this a year ago. It would have gotten pushed to the "man I should have done that!" pile.

-found out my Barista's names. Besides Joel that is. I love them all those boys of coffee.
-ran up when my brother was struggling at my Dad's funeral and finished his eulogy for him. I wish I done it earlier, but the point is that I did it.
-learning more about being a Vegan from my sweet Christine that doesn't include me going on about butter. I have made leaps and bounds with this.
-self hair care. I used to do this, but have stopped in these many years. Now I am trying to go a full year without pro help with a fairly fresh (shaved it bald Jan 1) palette. Which is why I now have a half shaved head with hot pink hair. No way would Tam let me do this. On a different note, I think I should have been born with pink hair.
-learned to walk away NOT mad. Letting go of anger in the heat of it, is something I am really working on.
-learned to cross stitch again.Nasty sweary cross stitch. Oh yeah.
-set unloved fibre and yarn loose in the world for others to love. More of this to come too.

this is a work in progress.....

There is always something there to remind me....

More Dad memories

-he and my Uncle Jim got drunk setting up my dollhouse for my 3rd Christmas. My Mum was worried that it wouldn't be done, but it was. Santa drank ALL the Rye and ginger that year!
-he bought Birkenstocks when we first moved to Calgary and he came for a visit. He still had them when we were cleaning out his place last month. He also had shoes he got from my Uncle Jim when he died 20+ years ago. Oh Pops, shoe hoarder extraordinaire!





It was Lily's arbitrary birthday this last Canada Day. We had no idea when her b-day was just somewhere around then, so it seemed fitting to make it a holiday. Happy 3rd my girl!

I'm on the right track, I'm onto a winner...

Things I want to remember about my Dad.

-he got tossed out of the church he went to when we was 15. he hated churchy hypocrits.
-he loved liver. my mom wouldn't cook it, so he got it when he went out to eat.
-he went to the playboy club when he went to NYC. he bought my mom Gucci perfume, he said it smelled like money.
-he used to read the paper on the floor letting me sit on his back. that is why I learned to read when I was three. he loved the comics, or funnies as he called them. even the terrible ones.
-he grew kohlrabi in our backyard in Aldergrove. I haven't eaten it since.
-he got bit by a dog and that's how he started his desk duty on the ECP. he ended up climbing way up the ladder.he was NOT a yes man. that means he only got so far up.
-he took me to inappropriate movies when I was young. funny ones. he also loved sword and sandal flicks. the last one we went to see together was Beastmaster.
-he had a wicked sweet tooth.
-he loved my mom from the minute he saw her. the very minute.
-he was far cooler than he had any right to be. he was the best dad I could have asked for.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

That doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red. Right? I've starting watching all the "classic" movies from the 70's. I'm not alone in thinking the 70's were a bleak depressing black hole of decade right?  Not unlike this one. I jest I jest. The song up there is the first one I ever learned all the lyrics to. I was maybe 2. My Dad loved me to sing it. Seeing this movie brought me back to then. Think good thoughts for my Dad right now internets, he's slipping away I fear.

But there's one thing I know:
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me.
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me.

right?