I walk the line

Lately I have been talking the talk. Out loud, to other people even. I have been buying clothes that fit and flatter. I have been posting body positive images and articles on my facebook. I have been taking back the words fat, chubby, chunky. I have been scolding my husband when he has moments of body image bullshit. Great right?

Until today. I busted out the scale and weighed myself and saw that all the weight I had lost, every single pound is back. I think I had held on to that last 5 pound ideal and it was allowing me to be OK with what I was. And that is fat. I worked so fucking hard to lose that weight. It was in a time when everything else was spinning out of control, and I was victorious in this one aspect of control. I looked amazing. Everyone said so. Then when things got easier, I eased up. I was getting scary skinny (even now the idea of that thrills me!) and had been told. So I let in some ice cream. My personal kyrptonite. And I evened out. For a few years I held on in this wonderful mid-weight status. Yet never feeling super comfortable.

Then the pain began. I really should preface this by saying I've always had back pain. And hip pain. And other pains, but for a while there, back when things were rotten I self medicated with a heaping helping of THC. In fact, I'd probably still indulge if it didn't give me the all-mightiest case of anxiety and paranoia. All good things must come to an end. So, when that happened, we after years of tests/chiro/physio/everything else, determined that I had the PAIN. Or fibromyalgia. Whatever. But it meant taking drugs that caused weight gain. And I'm embarrassed to admit I held out for months because of this. But in the end common sense, and overwhelming pain won out and here I am. It wasn't an easy road to walk, we had to tweak, change and mess around with the what feels like the giant handful of drugs I take everyday, and when we did I'd gain some weight. My Dr and I have have a pretty great relationship, he listens to me. And sometimes we conspire to see if I can lessen  any of the drugs I take. Then I gain weight. Then I gain weight.

I am straight up not gonna lie and be all, no I only eat fallen fruits and unicorn dreams. But I haven't significantly changed my diet except to eat more fruit (because I read on weight watchers you can eat all the fruit you want. FUCKING RIGHT?) and I eat more rice now. But it has been the same as the last few years.  I have been slowing down because PAIN. And I was ok with that. Until today when that scale was all..... HAI FATTY. The talk I've been talking doesn't feel like the walk I've been walking. I'm all BODY POSITIVE! ACCEPTANCE!! but I feel like a failure, cause my mouth has been writing cheques my ass can't cash.

A song for the dumped

It's never a bad time to clean things out.  Start with your closet, You know you'll never fit in those jeans again no matter how much you wish you could. Just go buy some new pants dammit. Those shirts you haven't worn in forever? Donate them. Someone else will love them. Move on to your pantry. Holy shit that yeast for the bread you were gonna make expired in 2010! Oops. Get rid of spices that have had a label change or lost their zip. 2 year old cereal? TOSS THAT FUCKER. Move on to your fridge. Seriously people, just because it's kept cold it can still go off. Check condiment dates. You may end up eating slightly rancid salad dressing if you don't. Anything that is green that ain't celery? BIN IT. A clean fridge is a beautiful thing.

This is spurred on by the need to clean up and clear out that I periodically go through. It extends to Facebook. It's time to prune that too. Anyone you wouldn't want to talk to IRL for less than 5 minutes, clip! If you are keeping peeps around because you like to watch their drama? Dude, your life is better off without it. I have to tell you, that lecture-y tone is the voice of experience here.

I had a friend once, that no one liked. Not my family, not my other friends and not a single guy I dated. I always felt bad about that and glossed over it. Rooted for the under-dog so to say. We had been friends for so long, and were in that weird highschool way very very bad and ever so fun. We had gone through so much shit that I think I felt I owed it to the universe to stick it out. Like blaming the salad greens when you know damn well it's that goddamn dressing you can't bring yourself to toss.

We didn't even always live in the same city this girl and I, but when we did or when we were together it was like knowingly eating a green weenie to see what happened and I was the green weenie eater (PHRASING). I usually ended up sick, hurt and still nowhere near my goal weight. The last time I saw her was when her Dad died and I went back to my hometown for the funeral. We went shopping with her 8-9 year old daughter a couple of days later and I had the proverbial nail in the coffin experience. We went to the bog and while her kid was in the stall she calmly pulled out almost 2k worth of stuff she had stolen and showed it to me. I said nothing (eating greenies again) but after that trip I never saw her again. I think we may have had a phone call or two and we never did break up officially. Never had it out, never finalised the papers, nothing. I just stopped. It felt weird for a long time, but that feeling? It was clean. It was pure and it was the beginning of me taking care of me. Cleaning out the fucking fridge once and for all.