please be gentle with this heart of mine........

So I am a stay at home um... not mom anymore. Stay at home dog mom? Stay at home lady of leisure? Housewife? Unemployed by choice? Lucky and blessed I know but still searching for a way to describe who I am without being glib. Or maybe I should be all fuck it! Glib is the new black. I am a dying species I feel like though. My lovely nexty (our next door neighbour who is awesome) works from home. I have pals who have little kids who are SAHMs but only know one other woman who is in a position like me and we aren't super close (but if  you are reading this Hi!!! Come over for tea some time soon!) and she does lots of lovely traveling while I pretty much stay at home.

I have found that since the "pain"* (as a friend calls it) kicked me in the teeth, I don't have the gumption to go out like I used to. I don't have the energy or the desire to socialise like I used to. I don't want to go out much at night like I used to. I don't drink or party like I used to. I'm not who I used to be. It's a paradigm shift in my core.

World English Dictionary

paradigm shift
— n
	a radical change in underlying beliefs or theory
[C20: coined by T.S. Kuhn (1922--96), US philosopher of science]

I do have a my BFF's who I see every Saturday (except when we are traveling or something world shaking intervenes) who keep me sane. I have people I connect with on the internets, and of course my gorgeous husband who I love pretty much every minute with. But I am a STAY AT HOME.

why did you drop that bomb on me?

We jetted off to lotus-land to see a show a few weeks ago. Wow that sentence made me feel very posh indeed. The show was Defranco Does Vancouver. We were probably* the oldest ones there, but the laughs, oh the laughs.. my face HURT after. Watching this YouTube stuff makes me think of when I first saw Much Music. You know when it actually played music videos. Like it was the beginning of something really big. Something that was going to be a game changer. Since we cut the cable cord 18+ months ago we watch the stuff on the net for everything. One day people will laugh at the idea of paying for cable, for news, for information. Beyond paying for net access that is.

Been doing some different kinds of stitching. Gotta keep those devils tools busy, no Idle Hands here.

Tried out a new hair colour last week.. liked it. First time EVER in over 30 years of colouring that I went green. Pretty and soft. Maybe blue next.

It feels like spring might be finally waking up. This winter was hard. Too much snow, cold, and winter. Blech. At least it was sunny and bright. That seems to stave off the most of the worst of the blues. I'm reducing one of my meds in the hopes that it will help with the sweating that is usually reserved for menopausal ladies. Like a dog shitting razor blades my Dad would say. Also the more than slight oops I had with the clippers the other day may help too. (almost) bald is beautiful right? 

I dreamed I was in Paris last night. Trying to get to London via the Chunnel. I really am amazed at what we as humans can achieve when we want to. 

*besides the random parents who brought their kids. le sigh.

My heart beats so, it scares me to death....

I can't believe I have ignored you for so long. This year seems to have dripped by in a swirl of non things. I did almost make it a whole calendar year with a death, but nope. One of my oldest friends didn't make it out the year. A fallen brother in arms, gone too young. A reminder of that black dog, and a call to shore up the walls. I'll miss you dear Jeff, your quiet sweet soul that hurt too often. And another dear friend lost one of her kitties last night. Sadness taints so much happiness. We worried for our Pickle dog all this winter, he is afflicted with newly found arthritis (or arfritits!) and a slowdown that comes with age. Despite what our vet said we have found that baby aspirin is helping the most.

As for me, oh fuck, about me. I am the fattest I have ever been. With no real noticeable diet change (aside form some holiday noshings) I have plumped up. I used the scale yesterday and all it made me do was think about the Smash the Scale project. And maybe cry a little bit. I have better clothes, better fashion (ha!) sense and a better handle on things than when I was thin. But I struggle. All awake/aware women do. I tell myself this in fits and starts.

New Years Resolutions? Stretch more. Yup. I do hope you all had a happy whatever it is you celebrate. And that Shiva the god of death stays the fuck away for another year. xxoo